Self-Censorship

I've been thinking a lot lately about the ways in which I silence myself. I don't like confrontation, and so I although I do have strong opinions, I frequently keep them to myself (stop laughing Rakicy) when I perceive the situation/person to be unwilling to even listen to differing opinions. I take it personally when you shut me down, so as a defense mechanism I refuse to allow you the opportunity. Unfortunately, in doing so I shut myself down.

There are people and situations in my life that seem so self absorbed in their own ideologies that they simply say "no" or "you're wrong; I'm right" when confronted with people who don't think like they do. I, on the other hand, really value dialogue. I grew up in an environment where nearly everything was part of a dialogue. Discussion did not equal fight, and conversation was important.

I joked this weekend that my filter was broken, but really I discovered this morning that maintaining that filter (the you're not willing to listen, so I'll have this conversation with myself filter) is exhausting. Sitting in a room where I have self-imposed silence on myself is more exhausting that nearly anything else in my life. One of the things I really like about my group of friends is their openness to actually listening to other ideas. I'm not exhausted when they leave. We don't all think the same, but we don't shut down people for thinking differently.

In the last couple of weeks, I've run into multiple situations (professional and personal) where "different" is used as an insult in disguise. This really bothers me. Of course most of the time, I don't tell the person using it in this way that it bothers me because they aren't interested in a dialogue about the situation. So unfortnately, I realize that as I type this I am telling the people who already value dialogue, but communicating my frustrations makes me feel better--that's why I blog.